The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Yep...you guessed it mwahaha
04:07 Nov 13 2010
Times Read: 511

At the Nursing Home...



Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around

the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum

speed on the long corridors.





Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other

residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.



One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky

Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a

firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'



Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and

held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.



As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold

popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of

insurance?'



Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to

him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'



As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of

her,

Butt- Naked, and



holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.



'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test

again!'







1 . HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?



-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10









-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10









2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?



Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10









3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8





4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?



Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8









5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?



-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)



-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10









6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?



-When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7



-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7



-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- - Howard, age 8









7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?



It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )





8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?



There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8









And the #1 Favorite is .........



9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?





Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky , age 10

More Stuff from mom lol :)
03:56 Nov 13 2010
Times Read: 512

IT'S SO DRY IN ARKANSAS



That the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,

The Methodists are using wet-wipes,

Presbyterians are giving rain checks,

And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn BACK into water!





IT'S SO HOT AND DRY IN ARKANSAS....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

....the trees are whistling for the dogs.

....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance

....hot water comes from both taps.

....you can make sun tea instantly.

....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.

....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.

....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?

....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.

....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.

....the cows are giving evaporated milk.

....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.







A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.



His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."



The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they shook on it.



After about six weeks, the father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've noticed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."



The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."



(You're going to love the father's reply!)



The father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"





An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"



"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up' ?

Emails I get from my mom on yahoo lmao
03:47 Nov 13 2010
Times Read: 515




1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25 A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true) 27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.









Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....



If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.





The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.



Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up

and cuckooed 3 times.



Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another

9 times.



I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.



(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos

MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

'MIDNIGHT'.. he didn't seem pissed off in the least.



Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo

clock.'



When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed

three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its

throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then

tripped over the coffee table and farted.